


Cracks in the Armour

by LetZoeSpoilYou



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self Loathing, atomwave, breakdown - Freeform, hurt comfort, post moonshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 05:13:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10587144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetZoeSpoilYou/pseuds/LetZoeSpoilYou
Summary: Set just after Moonshot and Ray finally breaksdown with the weight of his insecurites, his trauma, his loneliness and being seen as underappreicated and the team idiot.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I broke Ray!
> 
> Because it's me I had to add some Atomwave and I also added a bit non romanatic ReverseAtom.
> 
> Lovingly Beta'd by pheuthe!

Cracks in the Armour

Of all the people, Ray never thought it would be Eobard Thawne’s words that echoed in his mind and made him face some truths. He did want to live and truthfully, Eobard had understood him a little too well. Ray had enjoyed working with a fellow scientist but that didn’t erase all the bad Eobard had done; he stood at the other end of the scale to Ray. He’d not been wrong about Ray choosing life, but it also reminded Ray of his loneliness. And while Ray wanted life, he was also always the first to volunteer for a suicide mission: his deep desire to be understood, to have friends and to be valued by the team kept leading him to near death experiences.

Oh, Ray knew well his own fears and insecurities and maybe in the beginning, he’d feared death and his own mortality, but it was nothing compared to losing someone you love. He’d faced death so many times now it was pale in comparison to the fear that he wasn’t strong enough or good enough to save the people he cared about. No, the suit wasn’t about protecting himself from death: it was about protecting others. Ray was practically an old hat at near death experiences and maybe that was a warning sign.

 

But the mission had ended, he’d survived the Moon, the re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere and most of all his encounter with Thawne. While he respected Thawne’s intellect and in another time and place, he wished he’d met the guy and convinced him to not use his talents for evil, he knew that Thawne was dangerous and that he should be lucky to be alive. He looked at his fellow team members and smiled, Stein and Mick were back on board so the team could all now feel better in their victory.

“Doctor Palmer, I’m amazed that you were able to survive your encounter with Thawne, not that I thought you‘d get killed but just, well, he’s Thawne and not someone to be dealt with lightly,” Stein said and Ray ignored the little sting that came with the implication that Martin didn’t think he would be able to hold his own against the evil speedster.  
“Well, this time it was my mind that kept me alive, Thawne needed me alive and I suppose out of respect for my knowledge he didn’t kill me when he escaped the Waverider,” Ray answered, feeling that was the truth and what he wanted to believe.

“Trusting your decision was the right choice, Ray, we‘re all alive because of you,” Sara said and Ray felt happier knowing she had believed in him.

“Yeah, Haircut used his brain but bet your nerd arse loved walking on the Moon,” Mick added, looking at Ray while swigging a beer and Ray very much appreciated the questions.  
“I can’t believe I got to walk on the Moon! It was like Christmas coming early,” Ray said excitedly and was about to continue when Nate chimed in.

“You are so lucky that your suit allows you to go into space, it must be amazing to be out there, see things we’ll never experience, all that dark and stillness around you, nothing but the stars!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing, well, apart from that one time I had to go fix the hull and nearly ran out of oxygen but luckily this time I didn’t have that problem, nope, no dying cold and alone in the vastness of space for me!” Ray said trying to make light of the memory and hearing the laugh from the crew that said “oh yes silly Ray and your not knowing about oxygen”. He didn’t see the look of frustration from Mick, a look that said don’t joke about a near death experience, nothing fun about dying.

“Yep, this time I got to moon-walk, I also got to drive Thawne a little mad with my Martian jokes, turns out he’s not seen the film but damn I could so have Matt Damoned if I needed to,” Ray continued, ‘cause what’s more funny than struggling to survive on your own? But the crew took cues from his intonation and giggled along with him.

“Yeah, man, only one problem: you weren’t alone. You’d have had Thawne,” Jax added and Stein nodded along with him.

“Well, I suppose without his speed or any other way to survive, we’d end up working together again. Probably with the both of us we’d survive longer and more comfortably,” Ray added.

“Thawne is still a monster, Doctor Palmer, no telling he wouldn’t stab you in the back so he wouldn’t have to share resources. Once your usefulness is over, he wouldn’t keep you around,” Stein added.

“Come on, professor, we managed to work together to get off the Moon, I think two heads are better than one and he said he liked working with a fellow scientist. We would form another temporary truce,” Ray answered.

“I think you forget who that man is,” Stein added, a little judgment creeping into his voice.

“He helped get me off the Moon and helped so that the Waverider didn’t burn up. Do I wish he’s use that intellect and speed for good? Of course! But we survived and he didn’t kill me. Maybe I even got through to him a bit,” Ray said. He didn’t want to justify Thawne’s actions, but Ray believed in people reforming, after all Len and Mick had been the bad guys and now, well, one was a true hero and the other was someone Ray cared for deeply and knew would have his back.

“You optimism is gonna get you killed one day, Doctor Palmer. You shouldn’t confuse self-preservation with mutual respect,” Stein continue looking at Ray with that superior look and Ray just shut down a little inside. His optimism was what kept him going, his ability to try and see good in people gave him strength and his desire for respect drove him.

“Yeah, Grey’s got a point. I mean, I am glad we all survived and that you were able to get Thawne to cooperate with saving the ship, but come on, man, given half a chance the man would have murdered you!” Jax added and Ray could feel his defences lower.

“Ray knows that, he got Thawne to help and then made sure he didn’t escape with any blood on his hands,” Sara added.

“Exactly how did Thawne escape?” Nate asked innocently.

“Well, he’d phased through the cell when I found him and I had the anti-speedster gun, but I’d worked out he was a remnant. So I realised that the speed force had a way of tracking him to put him back where he belongs and it was near. Thawne had enough time to escape before it got him and no time to kill us all,” Ray explained, but wasn’t quite prepared for some of the looks he was getting.

“You let him go,” Amaya said and Ray’s heart dropped.

“Damn it, Ray, how stupid could you be? You had an anti-speedster gun; you should have shot him, you should have called for backup and we could have taken him,” Jax accused.

“Jefferson is right, you put us all in danger. If you knew he’d phase out of the cell, you should have warned people! For someone who claims to use their brain to get out of situations you really can be an idiot,” Stein said, his voice raising.

“Your respect for his intellect clouded your judgment and you let our enemy go, you were naive” Amaya said, looking at him like he wasn’t worth her respect.

“Come on, guys, it’s not like that,” Ray said, smiling and trying to turn the mood.

“Man, Ray, this is why you get yourself into all those dumb situations. It’s a wonder you‘re still breathing,” Jefferson said and Ray was feeling rather ganged up on. None of them had been there; they had no right to judge him.

“Wow, yeah, it really is a wonder that you survived the cretaceous period,” Nate added. Ray could tell it was in jest, but still, it stung.

“You guys weren’t there, it wasn’t like that,” Ray added, his voice getting smaller. ”I think I need to rest, it’s been a long day,” Ray said before turning and walking away, trying to hide the fractured feeling and the disappointment. In the end, they still saw him as an idiot, as a child who made poor choices and had no clue about the bigger picture. He wasn’t as naïve as they made him out to be. So what if trying to see good in people made you weak and stupid? He had to have his values. Ray could feel the anger inside him as he made his way to the cargo bay where his suit was. He needed a distraction, needed to work on something so he wouldn’t have to feel the judgment.

If Ray had stayed a moment more, he would have heard Mick say, “Cut Haircut some slack, he’s an idiot but he’s a good person, he’s saved all our arses”.

But Ray didn’t hear Mick have his back; he only heard that no matter what he did, he was still the team idiot, he was the buffoon and that his life really wasn’t shaping up to much. He’d gone from being nothing but a suit to being nothing without a suit, and now with his suit back, he still couldn’t quite cut it. This journey had been about being stronger so he wouldn’t have to see someone he loved die. He was always going to hold Anna close, but since her, no one had really loved him. Felicity and Kendra could have been something, but their hearts belonged to someone else. Snart had died protecting his friends and Ray had tried to be there for Mick, but in the end, whatever he felt for Mick wasn’t enough to have been any comfort or support to Mick.

Ray really should have been the one to die that day at the Oculus. Snart wouldn’t have just let Thawne Escape. In fact, how many times could he have died by now? He was beginning to lose count. How many times had he been captured and tortured? He’d held out at the Gulag, but only because those months as Damien Darhk’s prisoner had made him tougher. The team didn’t know about that. They didn’t even ask him about how he survived the cretaceous period. He was so lonely then, and desperate to be back with them, but now… why the hell had he thought being part of this team would be better? They didn’t care about his life, only what he could do when they needed him to be smart or the suit.

Ray felt the anger boil as he looked at the cargo bay and in an angry motion sent all the content of the work bench flying. Tools crashed to the floor, bits of electronics scattered and blueprints rolled into corners. The floodgates were opened and soon, crates were being smashed against walls. Mick’s empty beer bottles followed and Ray enjoyed the satisfying noise of glass shattering. He kicked over his work stool and then turned to his suit as it hung there, staring at him blankly.

Why did he bother? All that time, money and effort, yet he was still alone and scared. He still hadn’t left behind his optimism and grown up, he’d not got stronger. He was always left for dead and his team mates still called him stupid and naive. The suit wasn’t protecting anything, especially not his fractured ego, his damaged pride, or his fragile psyche. In anger, he dragged the suit down and threw it on the floor. It looked lifeless and Ray almost envied how empty it looked. He hated how weak and insecure he felt. He knelt down, knees on either side, and punched the visor hard. He felt his knuckles bruise and crack with the impact before balling his other hand into a fist and striking.

“Why the hell did I make you in the first place? Was I just naïve to think I was a hero? They’re right, it’s a miracle I’ve survived this long. Why am I not just dead yet?” Ray shouted, bringing his fist back down against the still armour. He felt his knuckle split and saw the front of the suit begin to coat with his blood. He felt hot tears on his cheeks, but didn’t stop his attack. He enjoyed the pain and knowing by now he must have fractured his knuckles. He put all his strength into the next punch and then howled in pain and he felt his hand fracture. Yep, he deserved that, he wasn’t strong; all he was good for was getting captured, having too much sympathy for the bad guys, letting his own fantasy of being a hero cloud his judgment and being a nuisance to the team.

He lifted his other hand, about to bring it down, when suddenly two strong arms were around him, dragging him back. He struggled against the presence as he was pulled away from his suit, his back snugly pulled against a strong chest, his arms pinned at his sides by stronger arms. He started to still while sitting there and breathed in deeply, recognising the familiar scent of beer and ash that signalled that Mick had found him. Ray didn’t want to talk; his body was exhausted and he still shook with anger. He could see a trail of blood from the suit to where he sat and he was vaguely aware of the bloody mess his hands were. And then Mick spoke:

“You can let go now, I’ve got your back, Haircut.” 

And Ray did, anger turned to pain and he let out a sob. Before he knew it he was crying.

Ray had no idea how long he sobbed, but he eventually calmed and stilled, all the fight gone from him, leaving behind only the crushing sense of stupidity. This was definitely not going to endear him to Mick. Mick wasn’t a feelings guy and seeing Ray cry like a child pretty much killed any interest that Mick might have had in him. With that crushing bit of information Ray sank further into his depression.

“It’s ok, Mick, I’m good. You don’t need to stay,” Ray whispered.

“Shut up, Haircut, ok, for once just shut up,” Mick said before taking a deep breath. “I am only going to say this once, this feelings shit doesn’t come easy and yes, you’re an idiot, but not for any of the reasons you think.” 

Ray continued to withdraw: Mick also just saw him as someone who was stupid.

“Don’t you run away from this, Ray. You’re an idiot for not telling someone, for hiding all this pain and rage. Yeah, I’m not one to talk, but when I do, who’s been the one to listen?” Mick said, relaxing his tight grip but keeping his arms around Ray. Ray came back to himself a little then and let out a small sigh.

“Listen, Haircut, I know you’ve been through some shit, but you’re too damned polite to burden others with whatever pain you’re going through,” Mick continued and then took a deep breath as if what he was going to say next was gonna be difficult to get through.

“When I heard you were stuck on the Moon, I was worried, ok? The team sometimes takes your resilience for granted but someone has to have your back, and I told you it would be me. Every single person on this team is an idiot, they all make mistakes and all hide their insecurities, but you always stand tall and proud. Sometimes it makes you an easy target: it’s easier to throw it back on you, don’t have to face your own demons if they can use you to vindicate their thoughts and fears. Anyway, I already told them they were out of line.”

Ray wanted to cry a little again. Mick still had his back and somehow knew that he was going through shit but keeping it to himself.

“You know, you’re the same, Mick. You let people call you an idiot when really you’re very smart. I always say the team underestimates you and it looks like I did too,” Ray said, a small smile forming.

“That’s why we’re partners. We’re the underdogs. We both hide our problems and maybe I should have opened up a little more but damn it, I don’t like this touchy feely crap,” Mick added and Ray laughed.

“Thanks, Mick. No, thanks, partner. You are always the one that finds me. I just, I just get lonely, Mick, and feel underappreciated and guilty. I still feel guilt that I wasn’t the one to die that day at the Oculus,” Ray said.

“Don’t even go there. Snart made his choice and we have to respect that. I get it, ok? I get it. You ever need to get this shit off your chest, you come to me. You need to rage or fight, you come to me, don’t ever want to see you beating the shit out of yourself,” Mick added, sounding protective.

“So the next time I need to hit something, you want me to come hit you? Not sure that makes for a healthy relationship,” Ray said and immediately worried how his words may have sounded.

“You’re probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, Haircut, anyway a kiss with a fist is better than none right?” Mick said and Ray felt the mood shift.

“And what if I went for a proper kiss?” Ray added with uncertainty but the line had been crossed and no going back now.

“Let’s start with a drink first, ok, Haircut?” Mick replied.

“So is that you asking me on a date?” Ray enquired.

“Don’t really date but looks like I am about to make an exception. First though, let’s go to Gideon, kinda think you might need your hands,” Mick said and he stared to move. Ray felt the loss of his firm presence, but then Mick took off his jacket and tried to make it into a sling. He was gentle with Ray’s busted hand and he looked concerned and angry. Mick then supported Ray’s weight to lift him, so they could walk to the med bay.

“Gideon, we're coming to med bay. Do me a favour: could you make it so that if anyone is walking about, we avoid them?” Mick added before putting his arm around Ray’s waist and leading him to the med bay.

“Thanks again, Mick. I don’t think I want to explain this to the others,” Ray said, looking at his bleeding hands.

“Yeah, well, Stein and Jax both could do with a punch to the face for what they said,” Mick grumbled and Ray smiled.

“Defending my honour?” Ray offered, feeling warm for the first time. Mick had his back and Ray didn’t feel quite so lonely. He had issues to work out and now he had someone who was willing to hear him out. Ray made a mental note to tell Mick about the scars that were haunting him and Mick was doing the same thing.

“Yeah, Ray, your honour is safe with me,” Mick said, but there was a small smirk on his face that made Ray blush. Ray smiled and for the first time in a long time felt hopeful that he wasn’t going to be alone and the next time he faced a near death experience, he would have Mick to ground him. Mick may not be articulate or open with his feelings, but Ray saw that what he did have to give, he gave to Ray and he needed to respect that and look after it. Mick was just as scarred as him and Ray wanted to protect this new relationship and the man offering to share himself with Ray. Ray felt a squeeze around his waist and looked at Mick.

“Stop thinking so much, Haircut. We’ll get your hands fixed up, then we’re gonna get drunk and hurl abuse at the team so they feel guilty about taking out their own issues on you. I promise not to deck any of them. Unless they call you an idiot. Only I can do that. Then you and me are gonna have a talk about dealing with our shit in a healthy way,” Mick said.

“Ok, Mick. And then the kissing part,” Ray added.

“Yeah, then we make out, ok, Pretty?” Mick said.

“Sounds good, Mick,” Ray finished, feeling better than he had in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you thought and if I should add a chapter from Mick's POV!
> 
> Do come say hi at my [tumblr letzoespoilyou](http://letzoespoilyou.tumblr.com/).


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